I will share three secrets men don’t want you to know in this post. And I am committed to supporting you in finding these fun, fulfilling, dynamic connections and relationships with men you are worthy of.
All right, let’s dive right into this.
1 Men always look at you through mom-colored glasses
The first secret is that men always look at you through mom-colored glasses.
What I mean by that is that our relationships with our moms and whom we experienced with as we were growing up set a template of what we’re attracted to, what we understand women to be, and then what we know our relationship to look like between a man and a woman.
What we see and experience in our relationships with our mothers and our relationship between our mother and father creates a deep imprint that we often consciously or unconsciously project and duplicate in our relationships with women throughout our lives, especially unless we do some inner work.
In fact, most men unconsciously try to recreate the dynamics in the relationship they saw between their mother and father. Whether it was positive or negative.
For example, if we had a great relationship with our mom growing up, we’re often attracted to women like her. These women have similar personality traits to her, especially regarding emotional communication, affection, and that sort of stuff. We might even be attracted to women who look a little like our moms.
I know it sounds weird, but it’s very natural, it’s evolutionary, and it’s a deeply ingrained thing. Don’t get creeped out by it.
Conversely, men who don’t have a great relationship with their moms are often repelled by women who remind them of their moms in their personality, appearance, or other ways.
For example, suppose their mom was very controlling and tightly wound, especially with them. In that case, they’re often attracted to free-spirited and free-flowing women.
Also, a man’s dynamics with his mother can influence how they show up in a relationship.
For example, suppose a man had a very nurturing, caring, loving, and open mother.
In that case, he’s going to be probably much more vulnerable, much more open to communicating his feelings, and he’s going to feel much more confident in voicing what’s in his heart with you. If a man was more repressed or emotionally abused by his mother, he might be emotionally disconnected.
Many men who have a hard time connecting with their emotions with you are men who were shamed for their feelings or hurt because of their parent’s emotions, especially their mom when they were children.
Because for most men, their mom is really their emotional model or emotional set point in their childhood.
Another way that emotional abuse can cause a man to show up is, for example, if a man was remarkably controlled or abused by his mother emotionally, he might end up being very resentful and controlling or manipulative in his relationships because, at a subconscious level, he’s trying to protect himself from anything like that ever happening again.
He might not even know it consciously, but he’ll definitely be doing it in his relationships with women.
2 Men crave emotional safety from you
A second secret that men don’t want you to know is that they are craving emotional safety and security from you. That might sound strange, right?
Because many men tend to shy away from emotional vulnerability or emotional expression with you, but many men hide that part of themselves and shut off that part of themselves because they feel petrified about it.
For many men, emotional vulnerability has been conditioned to mean weakness, a place where they can be hurt. As we discussed in the last secret, they may have had past relationships where they were exploited or manipulated for their feelings or by their parents.
Still, at a deep level, men are craving a space, a relationship, a sanctuary where they can put down their walls and be vulnerable and be in their heart and share who they are at an emotional level because it’s not that men don’t have feelings. It’s not that men don’t feel heartbreak, frustration, anxiety, love, joy, and despair.
We feel all those highs and lows, but many of us have been trained to shield ourselves from these feelings. It’s up to you in the relational container to invite and evoke a man to feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
Because if a man doesn’t feel safe, just like with you, he’s not going to open up. He’s not going to drop into his heart and feel safe being vulnerable with you.
Does that make sense? How can you indicate and let a man know that you are a safe space for him to be emotionally vulnerable and open with you and that he can count on you for emotional security?
Well, it starts by demonstrating that you want vulnerability by leading by example.
That’s one of the most powerful ways that you can create a space where vulnerability starts to feel safe is by you letting him know, “Hey, this is a safe space for me to be vulnerable, and I’m going to share with you what’s in my heart.”
I want you to ask yourself, are you leading by example? Are you showing him that you wish to vulnerability by being yourself? That’s one of the most significant ways you can create a space of safety for a man to do that.
Another excellent way for you to do this is by simply asking him questions. “How did that make you feel?”
It doesn’t always have to be a big, heavy question. You can ask him how he’s feeling about a movie, a scene in a film, or something that happened to him at work today because men often share what’s going on in their lives in terms of the facts. This happened, then that happened, and then this happened, and they’ll give you the linear timeline of their day.
Well, think about it. It will be powerful if you say, “That sounds like you got a huge project. How did you feel when you were dealing with that?” That might take him back a bit because he might be like, “Oh, okay, well–” Maybe he hadn’t even thought about it. Still, by you asking questions to get a man to speak about his feelings, you’re going to start giving him practice around being emotional and vulnerable.
Between leading by example and asking feeling questions, you’ll start cultivating a space where he speaks into his feelings and shares what’s in his heart, which becomes routine and comfortable for him.
3 Men always check out other women reflexively
The third secret men don’t want you to know, and I hate to sell out my whole gender on this one, is that men are reflexively checking out other women all the time.
All the time. I’m saying, men.
I’m not talking about single men. I’m saying all men. That means if a man is in a relationship, if a man is married, and if he is in love with his wife, girlfriend, or whoever, he’s still going to check out other women.
I’m just saying it. I’m putting it out there.
Why does this happen?
Well, it is a reproductive impulse. I feel that every man who sees another woman makes a knee-jerk decision about her and her reproductive potential with him, and it’s evolutionary.
I think every man who sees a woman makes an evaluation.
“Is this a woman that I would potentially be intimate with?” Instantaneously, He will get the result just with a glance.
I want you to understand that this isn’t something that men have much control over, nor is this something that leads to anything and has any implication towards his emotions or feelings towards you.
Just because a man checks out another woman, whether it’s a woman he would usually be attracted to, checking out a woman does not necessarily have anything to do with whether he’s even attracted to her.
Please, as long as it is just a knee-jerk, reflexive checkout, don’t take it personally that a man checks out another woman.
If he’s doing long, disrespectful stairs, and he’s doing it in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable and makes you feel like he’s actively evaluating her as a potential partner or something, then absolutely say something to him because you are not supposed to be disrespected like that.
That’s completely unacceptable, but by and large, let it go.
Don’t take it personally if you catch your boyfriend or your husband checking out other women because all men do it, and it’s evolutionary. There’s no real thought involved 99% of the time, and it has no bearing or implication on your relationship with him or his feelings towards you.
Conclusion
There you go, ladies, three secrets men don’t want you to know.
First, they always look at you through mom-colored glasses, whether they know it or not.
That can give you much insight into his patterns, whether he’s open to vulnerability, what he’s attracted to, and the type of relationship he’s trying to create with you.
Asking him better questions about his mom and getting to the bottom of his relationship with his parents will give you a ton of insight into the type of man he is and the type of things he’s drawn to in his connections with women.
The second secret is that men crave emotional stability, security, and safety from you.
Just as you’re craving physical safety from them and physical security, we’re craving the other side of that coin from you.
Ask yourself, are you creating a space for him to feel emotionally safe? For him to be emotionally vulnerable? Are you leading by example? Are you asking him questions about his feelings and inviting him to speak with you in a safe, warm and curious way?
Lastly, men always check out other women, which is a reflex.
It is not inherently disrespectful or meaningful about you and your relationship with them. It is a byproduct of how we are wired. It is something that all men do all the time.
It doesn’t even mean that we’re necessarily attracted to the woman we’re checking out. Men often will check out a woman just because she’s in front of them, even if it’s a woman he wouldn’t be attracted to.
Don’t take it personally. As long as it isn’t a long disrespectful, sort of ogling stare, especially in front of you, do not take it as any reflection upon him or his feelings towards you because it’s almost certainly not that.
