In the post, I share five decisive steps to set boundaries with men.
This is one of the most important topics I’m ever going to talk about, how to set boundaries with men and why they’re so important.
Setting boundaries can feel like a very daunting task for men because, many times, we have much resistance around boundaries for a lot of different reasons.
Maybe you might feel it’s masculine to impose your will and set boundaries, or you’re afraid you will push him away.
You’re either going to depolarize the relationship or push him away, but I’m here to tell you, fundamentally, that men crave boundaries.
It will strengthen your relationship, deepen your connection, and give any connection with a guy a greater chance of success if you set boundaries effectively.
Let’s go through the five steps to help you develop the best, healthiest boundaries you’ve ever had with men.
1 Recognize your inherent value and worth
Now, the first step in setting healthy boundaries is to recognize your inherent value and worth because, I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it a thousand times, boundaries are a profound act of self-love.
It’s about honoring yourself, your needs, and the relationship that you truly recognize that you’re worthy of.
Boundaries are how we train other people how to treat us. It’s how we mold the experience of our relationships.
Before establishing boundaries effectively, we get to be in ownership of the fact. You get to be in ownership that you are worthy of being honored, cherished, and treated in a precise way, and that boundaries are the way that you’re going to create that for yourself.
You can’t depend on somebody else to treat you the way you want if you don’t express that to that person by setting boundaries. Get clear on what’s the value that you bring to the relationship. Why are you worthy of having an extraordinary relationship?
You get to consider your beliefs if that’s a struggle for you. Look at your beliefs around your self-worth and value, and ask yourself, “Why am I afraid of boundaries? Why do I feel unworthy of standing in my power and owning and saying, ‘Hey, this is what I want? This is what I need to be happy. I’m expecting you to honor that.'”
Once you start unpacking all that on worthiness and connecting with your inherent value, it’s going to get much easier to set the boundaries you’re worthy of.
2 Recognize that men need boundaries
The second key to setting healthy boundaries is to recognize that men need boundaries.
Boundaries aren’t just for you. They are for you two because here’s what boundaries are for men. Boundaries are a blueprint for us on how to make you happy. Okay?
You think about it. Because if men don’t have boundaries, if men don’t know what you like and what you need, you cannot expect them to be able to read your mind. Men are not mind readers. We don’t know what your needs are.
Many times in a relationship, if we’re getting to know a woman and she hasn’t expressed to us what our boundaries are, what she needs, what she likes, what she wants, it’s like we’re fumbling around in the dark, in a dark room, and just banging our head into the walls.
It’s not a fun situation. It can be very frustrating for us.
Really, by setting boundaries constructively and proactively, you’re helping us. You’re helping us avoid many conflicts and frustration.
You’re helping us understand the most straightforward, most effective, and most efficient way to make you happy and avoid unnecessary conflict, which I guarantee you, we will appreciate as we continue to get to know you in a relationship.
The last important point I want to make about why men need boundaries is that we, as men, understand it’s our responsibility to be the drivers of the relationship, especially physically. We know that it’s our job to initiate physical intimacy and to be the ones to escalate physical intimacy generally.
I want you to recognize that just because a man attempts to push your boundaries or escalate physical intimacy doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect you, but it’s up to you because even good guys will attempt to escalate.
Even good guys will push on physical intimacy to see where your boundaries are. You have to establish those boundaries to let him know what pace you’re comfortable with in the relationship, in a physical relationship and an emotional one.
It also helps him understand what you want and like, and how he gets to behave with you so that you guys can have a fulfilling, meaningful connection.
3 Connecting with your vision for the type of relationship you want
The third step to setting healthy boundaries with men is connecting with your vision for the relationship you want to experience. You want to start with the end in mind.
Look at your vision for your relationship. What would be your dream relationship? How would you feel honored, cherished, safe, respected, and excited? What experiences would you like to share with your partner?
Then ask yourself, “What kind of boundaries would I establish right now to lay the foundation for that relationship? If I want to feel safe and appreciated, then it’s going to be up to me to help my partner understand what safety looks like for me, what safety looks like in terms of how he treats me, in terms of how I want the pace of the relationship to go?”
Again, it’s like, “I feel safe when you hold the door for me. It helps me feel safe when you call or check up on me after a date to ensure I got home safely.” Just little things like that.
You want to help him understand and set proactive boundaries with him as often as possible to help align him with that dream relationship you’ve created.
If you start with the end in mind, it will give you some excellent guidance on the boundaries that will be most effective for you in creating the relationship you want.
4. Use positive, constructive boundaries as often as possible
The fourth tip to setting boundaries with men is to use positive, constructive boundaries as often as possible.
Positive, constructive boundaries are where you invite a man to take action grounded in a positive feeling statement.
“I would love it if you texted me a little more often.” You see what you’re doing there. You’re not saying, “Hey, you don’t text me enough. You need to text me more.” Instead, you’re saying, “I would love it if you texted me more often.” You could juice it up even more and say, “It brightens my day every time I get a text from you, and I love having bright days. Would it be okay if you texted me more often?”
See? You’re grounding it in an invitation that makes you feel good when he takes action.
As often as possible, you want to guide a man towards doing something that makes you feel good rather than pushing him away from something that makes you feel bad because, again, a positive affirmation, validation, and invitation is going to create a much more constructive dynamic than continually feeling like you have to reprimand him and push him away from stuff that you don’t like.
Ladies, you always want to operate from a fundamental premise that, at the bottom of all of this, men want to make you happy. Your happiness is a primary prerogative for any man who’s emotionally invested in you or wants to get to know you better.
Invite him to do things to make you feel good. It’s going to inspire him to operate from within the boundaries of what it is that you want.
Of course, if he’s not paying attention, if he’s not picking up on those cues, or if this isn’t working, then you’re going to become firmer, and you’re going to let him know, “Hey, it doesn’t feel good when you do this,” or “I’d appreciate it if you would stop doing this.” You’re going to become firmer and more assertive with him.
Even then, you want to do your best to avoid becoming outright aggressive with him, or punitive with him in the establishment of boundaries, or to threaten him preemptively because if you do that, you’re going to run the risk of activating his mama trauma and getting him triggered and getting him to shut down and pull away from you.
As long as you’re in the earlier mid-stages of getting to know somebody, and you’re laying down those boundaries, keep it positive and constructive, or be very gentle with the negative or the prohibitive boundaries to avoid triggering him or shutting him down.
5. Legitimate consequence is required for a boundary
The last tip I have around setting boundaries with men, which might be the most important of all, is that for a boundary to exist, there has to be a legitimate consequence on the other side.
Maybe a man continues not to respect a boundary you have tried setting positively, and you’ve tried to be gentle and give him a prohibitive boundary, “Hey, you need to stop doing that because it doesn’t make me feel good.”
Then you get to communicate to him that there will be a consequence. “Hey, just so you know, if you continue not to respect this boundary, I’m going to choose not to be in a relationship with you anymore. “
A man needs to understand that you mean that. He needs to understand the consequences of not honoring a boundary with you.
Does that make sense? Because if a man feels like you’re expressing boundaries, but they don’t have any teeth, they don’t have any consequences, and he’s a very strong-willed man, he’s not going to respect and honor them.
Also, if a relationship has gotten to this point, you want to start asking yourself, “If this man isn’t respecting my boundaries and I’ve tried to assert him all these different ways, does he really appreciate my needs? Does he want to make me happy, or is he more concerned with his own needs and happiness than mine?”
Because if a man’s in that space, the relationship is no longer a healthy, bilateral agreement. It’s not a partnership. He’s trying to be more selfish about it. That’s probably a guy you don’t want to be in a relationship with.
Conclusion
Remember these five steps to creating healthy boundaries with men. You will have much better relationships. Now let’s recap the five points mentioned above.
1. That first step is to acknowledge, recognize, and connect with your value, your inherent worth, that you are worthy of asking for what you want and standing for what you need.
Express that unapologetically, warmly, and lovingly to your partner or any man you want to get to know.
When should you be doing this? As soon as possible, as often as possible.
Don’t be shy around setting boundaries or telling a man what you want or need or like, because that’s all part of holding your frame, which is a crucial part of having a healthy relationship with them.
2. Recognize that men need boundaries.
We see them as a roadmap to make you happy. They help us avoid all the frustration and pitfalls of trying to read your mind and second guess what you want, need, or like.
The clearer you are, the more active we will be in making you happy.
3. Connect with your vision.
Be clear about your vision for the relationship and the experience you want to have in the relationship, and then ask yourself, “What boundaries do I want to set right now in sharing what I need and what I like in this connection with this man to lay the foundation for that dream relationship?”
Starting with the end in mind will give you a lot more clarity around the boundaries you want to set today.
4. That fourth step is setting positive, constructive, encouraging, and inviting boundaries as often as possible.
Use an invitation for him to take action grounded in a positive feeling statement. That’s always where you want to start. It’s much better to encourage a man to do what you want rather than to discourage him or push against him for doing things you don’t want him to do.
5. Lastly, remember that boundaries without consequences do not exist.
Be willing to walk away and communicate to him without anger that if he’s unwilling or unable to respect your boundaries as you’ve expressed them, you’re just going to choose not to be in the relationship with somebody who isn’t able to meet you where you’re at.
As long as you’re willing to express and hold those consequences to him, a man will be much more inclined to respect them and honor your needs.
