Why does my husband watch pornography? I got the question over the last 10 years. I remember receiving emails from all over the world. Stay tuned, we are going to answer that question in this post.
Husbands watching pornography doesn’t make sense to a lot of ladies. You may have never watched pornography before, having no idea why he watches porn instead of having sex with you. He could be struggling with intimacy anorexia, which could be a severe problem, or he could have a sex addiction.
Well, first, I have to tell you that it’s not your fault. It’s not about your body, your age, your charisma, or your sex life.
I’ve been working with men with sexual addiction for over 10 years. I have taken more masturbation and porn histories than most men on the planet. I’ve been doing that my entire career looking at how these men in their forties, fifties, and sixties are addicted to pornography.
A lot of men who have pornography addiction actually have a good sex life. I worked with these people who were in shape and looking good. They were very attractive and intelligent, and they had good moms or even good lovers.
It just seems unreasonable for them to be addicted to watching pornography, so let me tell you why they need this.
1. One true reason he watches porn
1.1 He has formed his sexuality when he’s young
Based on my work experience, the one true reason a guy watches porn can be:
He has formed his sexuality attaching to the object world, the fantasy world, and the pornography world before he met with you.
For men who have a pornography addiction, when they are young, they found Uncle Joe’s porn in the garage of their dads having sex with the next-door neighbors. The porn they watched before formed their sexual lists of orgasms.
And what happens is if you have a sexual list of orgasms, then only things on the list can make the prefrontal cortex of your brain boom and make you orgasm. You get this huge chemical release while you get the attachment to whatever you’re looking at.
Now most of these guys started at 12, 13, 14 years old or younger. By the time they were married, they may have masturbated to pornography at least a thousand times. And they probably keep doing these throughout the marriage.
There’s just a neuropathic attachment to the object world, I call it “boo-boo mommy”. When your husband has relational sex with their wives, he might close his eyes and go into another world. He is connecting with something else in his sexuality instead of being with you at that time.
So this is a part of why your husband watches pornography. He might give psychological meanings to the porn, which makes him feel powerful, creative, and celebrated.
There’s a psychological voice in the profile he created in his mind, because when he goes to the fantasy world, he is worshipped, adored, and wanted.
In his world, there are no rules, and he doesn’t have to pick up the trash out there, do dishes, and deal with the family, which you know is tired and constrained.
He is dealing with some imaginary energetic person who has nothing on their mind but sex. The person has no needs, doesn’t have to orgasm, and doesn’t have to get ready. There’s no reality, and he can have attached himself to this world thousands of times.
To be honest, fantasy is much easier than a relationship. They take the easy way to get the chemical high, and this in turn makes them fall into a sexual addiction. And if he’s looking at pornography, there’s more than a good chance that there’s a sex addiction they’re going on.
We can explore reasons why he needs porn and a fantasy world in depth. It’s probably because his needs weren’t met or he had an unfortunate family of origin when he was young, so he went to the fantasy world to get his needs met.
Chemical imbalances can also be one reason for his addiction, whether it’s depression bipolar manic depression, or cycle thermic disorder, he could be using the sexual list to help balance the brain.
And in this case, intimacy anorexia would prevent him from building intimacy with a real person.
1.2 It’s Not About You
Any of those could be the reasons, but I need to emphasize, you were not one of those reasons. It doesn’t matter who you marry, this will not happen.
The addiction pattern has been set up many years before you met him (oftentimes the secrets have been going on for decades before he gets caught).
If you’ve just found out your husband watches porn, you might be feeling a whirlwind of emotions – hurt, betrayal, inadequacy. But here’s something crucial to remember: His porn use is not a reflection on you.
As one recovering porn user shared, “It was never that you’re not pretty enough or our sex life isn’t good enough. It was always about my shame, my anxiety, my sadness, my boredom, and my self-loathing, the things that I was trying to escape.”
Porn often serves as a coping mechanism, much like overeating, excessive gaming, or substance abuse. It’s not about sex as much as it’s about escaping uncomfortable emotions or situations.
So, if your partner tries to blame you for their porn use, remember: That’s their issue, not yours. Your self-worth is not determined by your partner’s behavior or choices.
2. How sexual addiction impact one’s partner in a marriage?
After years in marriage counseling, I have witnessed firsthand what impact pornography & sexual addiction has on relationships. When always hush-hushed, this is a subject we only acknowledge in shadows so it’s about time someone cast that light.
2.1 The ugly truth: real-life stories
Before I continue, let me give you an image of what this looks like in everyday life. These are not just numbers; these are people I have known (names changed to protect identities).
- Maxine’s discovery about her husband
Picture this: Maxine, 51, borrowed her husband’s laptop when the family computer went kaput. What she found wasn’t a cute surprise – it was a Pandora’s box of porn sites and steamy chats with other women.
When confronted, her husband flat-out denied it and had the audacity to suggest she was losing her marbles. Talk about gaslighting!
- Rachael’s Medical Nightmare
Aussie public sector worker Rachael, 39: Goes to get checked out and boom — she has chlamydia.
Asked what she thought about it, ‘In a supposedly monogamous relationship with me, this was news to the first’. As it turns out, her husband had been playing with fire engaging in high-exposure sexual behaviors with prostitutes; a hobby he’d enjoyed since before they met.
The kicker? His addiction had cost him $85,000. Imagine medical trauma, emotional trauma and financial betrayal all wrapped up in that delightful package.
- Laurie’s Honeymoon from Hell
Imagine Laurie, 23, fresh-faced and starry-eyed on her honeymoon, only to discover her new hubby’s got a serious porn addiction. He hid it beneath the veneer until they were married, buying into the lie that marriage would clean all up. (Spoiler alert: it didn’t.)
- Jocelyn’s Social Freefall
Jocelyn, 45 (all names have been changed), had it all — a solid husband, four kids… the works. Then, boom! Her husband is arrested on child porn possession and trafficking charges.
The floor got pulled from underneath their entire world. Worse yet, some hypocritical religious fanatic informed his wife that she would be sinning if she did not immediately forgive this man of garbage for a husband. Just imagine where our priorities are.
2.2 The Many Faces of Sexual Addiction
Now, you might be thinking, “Is it always just about porn?” Well, buckle up, because it’s a whole spectrum of behaviors.
According to a study of nearly 9,000 partners of sex addicts (and let me tell you, that’s a massive sample size in the world of social science), 79% dealt with internet pornography. But that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
Sexual addiction is a wide and wild spectrum, from cybersex to prostitution, exhibitionism to bestiality (yes you read that right). And, here’s the dirty little secret –
I have seen every single one of these behaviors in my small Colorado practice over just the last three years. They are not only occurring in largely populated cities or on the TV box, they’re happening right in your backyard.
2.3 The Ripple Effect: It’s Not Just Sex
Here’s where it gets really messy. It’s not just the sexual behaviors that wreak havoc; it’s all the stuff that comes with it. We’re talking:
- Lies/deceit: This is typically the most difficult for partners to accept.
- Denial and blame-shifting: You should be eternally proud of what you’ve been able to accomplish! The rest is just the “It’s not me, it’s your fault” mindset taken up a bunch more levels.
- Narcissism and anger: Again, who says I love you better than turning everything into an issue that relates back to me?
- Deficient parenting: We know from research that people who regularly use pornography have a hard time spending time with their children wholeheartedly. Briefly, a guy who has porn addiction will never be a super dad.
- Financial betrayal: Remember Rachael’s $85,000 shocker? (mentioned above)
- Substance abuse: This often goes hand in hand with sexual addiction.
- Gaslighting: A fancy term for making your partner feel like they’re losing their mind.
2.4 As partner of a porn-addicted guy: It’s a battlefield
Now let’s talk about how this effects woman in a marriage. It’s not pretty.
- Emotional Rollercoaster
This is more than just emotions that are unruly as a toddler in the candy store. Feeling mad one second, then crying your eyes out and afterwards feeling just nothing. It’s exhausting.
- Trust Issues on Steroids
In situations when your whole world does a 360 flip like that, it’s not just trust in the partner you lose. It makes you question everything —am I sane, have I ever been… But so does being human and present in the world.
- The FBI Wannabe
Additionally, a lot of partners become amateur detectives as they are always on the lookout. They are monitoring phone records, reading emails and being more like the FBI agent they didn’t know was lurking inside of them.
- Physical Toll
That pressure is more than just in your mind. Weight fluctuations, sleep issues and a libido that’s AWOL. Essentially, your body is having a temper tantrum.
- Isolation Station
Studies show that 68% of partners feel some form of isolation. Yup, you probably think to yourself if only they would talk to someone. But it’s not that simple. Who do you tell? How do you explain it? It’s a lonely road.
- Self-Blame Game
The cruel twist is, often partners go on to blame themselves. “Man, I should just be better looking/less busy/more spontaneous…” Stop right there. This is not on you.
- PTSD: It is Real, and it is COMMON
Army preparedness stat of the day: 48% of remotely enrolled partners have PTSD! This isn’t just mild annoyance, but symptoms of full-blown trauma.
3. What to do if your husband watches porn
So, you’ve discovered your husband is into porn. It’s like finding out he’s been secretly binge-watching a show without you, except this one’s got a lot more naked people and a whole lot more complicated emotions.
What now? Let’s dive into this touchy subject and figure out how to navigate these tricky waters.
3.1 Is Pornography Really a Problem?
First things first, let’s address the elephant in the room: Is porn actually harmful? Well, it’s not as simple as a yes or no answer.
According to relationship experts Dr. John and Dr. Julie Gottman, who set out to study this very question, pornography can indeed be problematic for relationships. Here’s why:
- It’s a miseducation about sex
Porn often glorifies non-romantic, non-tender, and non-respectful sexual encounters. It’s like learning to cook by watching competitive eating contests – you’re missing some crucial ingredients.
- Body image issues
Porn can give people inaccurate representations of body types, leading to unrealistic expectations and self-esteem issues. It’s like comparing yourself to airbrushed magazine covers – not exactly a fair comparison.
- Relationship disconnect
For many couples, porn use can create tension, especially when there’s a mismatch in values or when one partner is acting outside of agreed-upon boundaries.
That being said, some couples can consume pornography relatively harmlessly. It’s not a one-size-fits-all situation. The key is to decide as a couple what your values are when it comes to pornography.
3.2 Breaking the Silence: The Importance of Open Communication
One of the biggest hurdles in dealing with a partner’s porn use is the secrecy and shame that often surrounds it. As one recovering user put it, “This habit thrives in darkness.”
Open, honest communication is key to addressing the issue. This doesn’t mean you have to be okay with it, but creating a safe space for your partner to talk about their struggles can be a game-changer.
Remember, shame often drives secrecy, which in turn drives relationship problems. By fostering an environment of understanding (not necessarily acceptance), you’re taking the first step towards addressing the issue constructively.
Related post: 5 Steps To Set Better Boundaries With Men
3.3 To Stay or Not to Stay?
Now for the million-dollar question: Should you stay in the relationship or call it quits? There’s no one-size-fits-all answer, but here are some things to consider:
- Shared values: Is pornography use a deal-breaker for you? Are you and your partner on the same page about its place (or lack thereof) in your relationship?
- Willingness to change: Is your partner acknowledging the problem and showing a genuine desire to change?
- Honesty: Is your partner being truthful about their porn use, or is there ongoing deception?
- Impact on the relationship: How is this affecting your intimacy, trust, and overall relationship satisfaction?
Remember, porn use alone is rarely the sole factor in deciding to end a relationship. It’s often part of a larger pattern of issues.
Conclusion: A Word of Hope
Dealing with a partner’s porn use can feel overwhelming, but there’s hope. Many couples have successfully worked through this issue and even found their relationships strengthened in the process.
As one recovering user shared,
“I will trade that little rush for peace, for being happy with how I look, for a healthy view of sexuality, and for focusing all of my affections on my spouse.”
Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. Whether you choose to work through it together or decide it’s best to part ways, prioritize your well-being and surround yourself with support. You’ve got this!
