Why is Everyone so Mean to Me? 25 Reasons & Help

“Why is everyone so mean to me?”

Dear, when you see this, I know you may feel hurt, confused, and even a bit paranoid now. Life can be filled with troubles. Whether it’s dealing with snippy cashiers, unsupportive friends, or family members who constantly take cheap shots, people can be mean to us in various situations.

As someone who’s spent years in the health and wellness industry, I’ve seen firsthand how constant negativity from others can take a toll on our mental health. But here’s the thing – often, when we feel like the world is against us, there’s more to the story than meets the eye.

Let me tell you what’s behind the scenes. We’ll explore the reasons behind meanness, how to spot it, and most importantly, how to deal with it without losing your cool (or your mind).

What does “Being Mean” mean?

Before we jump into the nitty-gritty, it’s necessary to get clear on signs of meanness, or you can say, the meaning of “Being Mean”.

Meanness can be sneaky, subtle, and sometimes even masquerade as kindness. It’s not just about someone calling you names or pushing you around on the playground (though that definitely counts).

1. The Backhanded Compliment

Ever had someone say something like:

• “Wow, you look great today! I guess you finally figured out how to do your makeup”?
• “You’re so brave to wear that outfit with your body type!”

Yeah, that’s meanness in disguise, it’s a compliment wrapped in an insult. It can leave you feeling confused and hurt while the person pretends to be nice.

2. The Silent Treatment

This one’s a classic. Someone’s mad at you, but instead of talking it out, they just… stop talking. To you, at least.

If you’re consistently left out of social events or conversations, that’s a form of meanness. It’s a way for people to make you feel unwelcome or unimportant, and it’s passive-aggressive behavior at its finest.

3. The Constant Critic

You know that person who always has something negative to say about everything you do? If someone’s always finding fault with what you do, say, or wear, that’s a clear sign of meanness.

It’s one thing to offer constructive feedback, but constant criticism is just plain unkind. It’s exhausting and can seriously mess with your self-esteem.

4. The Gossip Monger

When someone’s spreading rumors about you or talking behind your back, that’s a form of meanness, too. This is a way for people to feel superior by putting you down. It does real damage to your relationships and reputation.

5. The Boundary Pusher

Consistently ignoring your boundaries or making fun of you for having them is a clear sign of mean behavior.

Everyone deserves to have their boundaries respected, while mean person won’t respect your limits. They might pressure you to do things you’re not comfortable with or invade your personal space.

Why Is Everyone So Mean to You?

Since we’ve got a handle on what meanness looks like, let’s find out why people act this way. Spoiler alert: it’s usually more about them than it is about you.

1. They’re Having A Bad Day

You know how everything seems to irritate you when you’re having a bad day? Well, sometimes mean people are just projecting their own issues onto others. Maybe they’re stressed, anxious, dealing with problems at home, or battling depression. This does not excuse bad behavior, but it helps to keep in mind that their offense is a lot more about them than you.

We can see situations like this, some people are very mean to their spouses. I have had similar experiences in my life. One of my clients, called Kate, had been snapping at her partner over little things last year.

It’s not because he was doing anything wrong, but because she was so stressed about her job (Yeah, she was suffering from anxiety disorders at that time). This is a classic case of displacement – taking out your feelings on someone who isn’t the real source of your frustration.

I remember a conversation with one of my female friends. She said: “Steven, I used to think my coworker hated me. She was always snapping at me and rolling her eyes. Then I found out her mom was seriously ill. Suddenly, her behavior made sense. She wasn’t mad at me – she was just overwhelmed.”

2. They’re Insecure

Believe it or not, sometimes people are mean because they feel insecure about you. You know, when you shine too brightly, you will blind people. Insecurity is like a little gremlin that whispers mean things in people’s ears. Maybe you’re crushing it at work, or you’ve got a fantastic relationship, or you’re just radiating confidence, there all can be a fuse of mean behavior.

When someone feels bad about themselves, they might try to bring others down to make themselves feel better. They might feel inadequate to you in a particular setting or activity and are quick to anger within that space.

When they project, they defend themselves and their feelings, and you inevitably and unfairly become their target. It’s like they’re thinking, “If I can make you feel small, maybe I’ll feel bigger.“

I once worked with a client who was constantly criticizing her coworkers. As we dug deeper, it became clear that she was terrified of being seen as incompetent. Her meanness was a defense mechanism – if she could point out everyone else’s flaws, maybe no one would notice hers.

There’s another situation, people who face the pressure of managing people prefer to act mean. According to a study published in the Pakistan Journal of Psychological Research, there’s a possibility that mean people need to maintain status and gain enough respect to ensure work would be done smoothly (usually in management jobs) [1].

3. They’re Jealous

Ah, the green-eyed monster. Jealousy can turn even the nicest person into a total jerk. If someone’s envious of what you have – whether it’s your success, your relationships, or even just your positive attitude – they might lash out.

Here’s one example from my career: a girl cried about her husband’s mean behavior, “My husband always criticizes my new job. At first, I thought he was just being mean. But then I realized he was jealous because I was earning more than him. This doesn’t excuse his behavior, but understanding it helps me respond better.”

4. They Have Low Self-Esteem

Some people get a kick out of making others feel small. It gives them a sense of control and superiority. This is often the case with bullies, whether they’re in the schoolyard or the boardroom.

It is rooted in the idea that if we find it hard to accept ourselves, how can others when they experience similar liability of self? They may think they are incompetent, unworthy, or have some other unpleasant emotion and do not know how to handle it. It could show up in the form of criticism, negative comments, or down-putting.

Mandy’s story hits close to home for many wives. Her husband of 20+ years is a good man in many ways – loving, devoted to family and faith. But he has an anger issue that’s taking a toll:

“He’s always putting me down, telling me I’m not smart enough or pretty enough. It took me years to realize that his meanness was about his own insecurities, not my worth.”

5. They’re Not Mature Enough to Respect People

Some people are just like kids, they need the world to take care of them, and they are not good at managing emotions. They may not be able to articulate their emotions and communicate in other ways – such as through anger or passive aggression.

6. They Lack Empathy

Not everyone’s got the ability to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Some folks just don’t consider how their actions might affect others. It’s not always malicious – sometimes it’s just lacking awareness.

7. They’re Trying to Fit In

Peer pressure isn’t just for teenagers. Adults can fall into the trap of being mean to fit in with a certain crowd or to avoid being targeted themselves. It’s the “better you than me” mentality, and it’s not pretty.

8. They’re Misreading the Situation

Sometimes, what we perceive as meanness is actually just a misunderstanding. Cultural differences, communication styles, and even just having a bad day can all lead to interactions that feel mean but weren’t intended that way.

What to do When Someone is Mean to You?

Now that we’ve got a handle on why people might be acting mean, let’s talk about what you can do about it. Because let’s face it, only understanding why someone’s being a jerk doesn’t make it hurt any less.

1. Check Your Perception

First things first, let’s make sure you’re not seeing meanness where it doesn’t exist. I’m not saying you’re imagining things, but sometimes our own insecurities can make us interpret neutral actions as negative ones.

Try this: Next time you feel like someone’s being mean, take a step back and ask yourself, “Is there another way I could interpret this?” Maybe that coworker who didn’t say hi was just deep in thought, not snubbing you. Maybe your friend’s curt text was because they were in a rush, not because they were mad at you.

2. Don’t Take It Personally

Try this mantra: “Their behavior is about them, not me.” Repeat as needed. I know, I know, easier said than done. It might feel a bit cheesy at first, but it can really help shift your perspective.

This is crucial, folks. As I mentioned earlier, meanness is often a reflection of the other person’s issues, not your worth. Try to remind yourself of this when someone’s being unkind.

3. Set Boundaries Clear

Be clear, be calm, and be specific about what behavior is not okay. You don’t have to be a punching bag for anyone’s bad behavior. It’s okay to let people know when their actions are hurtful. It’s okay to say, “I don’t appreciate being spoken to like that” or “Please don’t make comments about my appearance.”

For example, you might say something like, “When you criticize my work in front of the team, it makes me feel disrespected. In the future, I’d appreciate it if you could give me feedback privately.”

4. Get Yourself Surrounded with Positivity

Life’s too short to spend time with people who make you feel bad about yourself.

Try to surround yourself with folks who lift you up and appreciate you for who you are. Make an effort to spend time with people who are kind and supportive. Their positivity can help balance out the negativity you might be experiencing elsewhere.

5. Practice Self-Care

When you’re dealing with meanness, it’s easy to start internalizing those negative messages. That’s why it’s super important to take care of yourself. So do things that make you feel good, that remind you of your worth.

This could be anything from treating yourself to a favorite meal, spending time in nature, staying with loved ones, or practicing positive affirmations. Whatever fills your cup, do more of that.

6. Seek Support

You don’t have to deal with this alone. Normally, getting an outside perspective helps you see the situation. Talk to friends, family, or a therapist about these troubles, about what you’re experiencing. Sometimes, addressing the issue only calls for voicing out your feelings.

Talk to a therapist would help if you are really badly influenced by someone’s meanness. These people are experts, they provide strategies for coping, and they help you build your self-esteem.

Remember that, as stated in a study published in Sustainability, if surrounded by people who take mean behaviors on you consistently, you would feel overwhelmed, only wanting to isolate yourself from the public.

This is especially true for young people: if you don’t take the right measures, you are likely to fall into depression and anxiety [2]. So don’t let it get to that point – reach out for help if it reaches the point.

7. Kill ‘Em with Kindness

This one might sound a bit cliché, but hear me out.

Responding to meanness with kindness can be incredibly powerful. Not only does it often disarm the mean person (because it’s not the reaction they’re expecting), but it also helps you maintain your integrity.

Plus, being kind when you don’t feel like it is a skill that will serve you well in all areas of life. It’s like a superpower – use it wisely!

What to Learn from Mean People

Dealing with mean people can teach you some valuable lessons (though it might not feel like it right now). Sometimes we just turn into people we hate, just like after we kill the dragon, we become the dragon. That’s often the case, so realizing these is also important.

Here’s what you might gain from these challenging experiences:

1. Resilience

The more you withstand meanness to return the other side, the harder it is for others under such circumstances. You are showing yourself that you can handle it.

2. Empathy

When you have experienced what it feels to be treated meanly, it can also lead you to feel greater empathy for those who similarly may find themselves in harm’s way. And who knows, you may also become a better friend/partner/coworker/etc.

3. Self-Awareness

We are also faced with our own selves when dealing with being mean to us. Through exploration, you may discover things about yourself – your triggers, your values,and even know strengths that were hidden in plain sight before.

4. Assertiveness

It is a skill to be able learn to take down the meanness long enough so you can stand up for yourself. It can make you feel the bajillion-times-too-heavy elephant in your room, and do wonders on this human planet.

5. Gratitude

Being surrounded by mean people puts a filter on everyone else, so you can really appreciate the kind souls in your life- It could even motivate you to be more purposefully kind yourself.

The Power of Self-Love

Here’s the bonus tip, and it’s a big one: focus on loving yourself. I know you’ve heard this before, but hear me out. When you truly love and accept yourself, other people’s meanness loses its power over you.

According to a study in Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review, learning to love yourself is a long-term process that will improve the quality of your life in many ways [3]. It is not a defiance of being perfect or having ever made mistakes. It is about holding space for yourself, warts and all, offering the same grace you would to a friend.

Try this: every day, write down three things you like about yourself. They can be big things (“I’m a great problem-solver“) or small things (“I make a mean cup of coffee“). Over time, you’ll start to see yourself in a more positive light.

There’s one more thing: You can’t just try to and get, it takes hard work to achieve self-love, you need to put this in your back pocket.

Wrapping It Up

Look, dealing with mean people is not easy, but not that tough, still. It can wear you down and make you question your worth. But one thing is undeniable: you are valuable, you are worthy of kindness, and you deserve to be treated with respect.

The next time you find yourself thinking, “Why is everyone so mean to me?”, take a step back. Remember that their meanness says more about them than it does about you. Set your boundaries, surround yourself with positivity, and most importantly, be kind to yourself.

And hey, if you’re reading this and realizing that sometimes you’re the one being mean – that’s okay. We all have our moments. The important thing is to recognize it and try to do better. After all, a little kindness can go a long way in making the world a better place for all of us.

Further reading:

1. 11 Reasons & Help for When “My Husband Yells at Me”
2. One True Reason: Why Men Watch Porn? (Even in Marriage)
3. 7 Signs of Jerks & 3 Ways to Deal with Them
4. 5 Detailed Signs You’re Ready for Real Love with a Guy
5. Is He Falling For Me? 25 Signs He Likes You But Is Playing It Cool