Respond To DARVO Method: 8 Most Effective Ways

Hey, it’s Steven Arenas here. Today, we’re diving into a tricky topic that’s been buzzing around lately – the DARVO method.

Related post: Leaving A Narcissist: All You Need To Know

If you’ve ever felt like you’re going crazy in an argument, or someone’s twisting your words faster than a pretzel, you might have experienced DARVO without even knowing it.

Let’s unpack this sneaky tactic and arm ourselves with some powerful ways to shut it down.

1. Set Safe Boundaries For Yourself

First things first, we gotta talk about safety. When you’re dealing with someone who uses DARVO, it’s like trying to reason with a tornado – unpredictable and potentially damaging.

So, before we do anything else, let’s set some boundaries to keep you safe and sane.

Think of boundaries as your personal force field. They’re not about controlling others, but about protecting yourself. Maybe it’s deciding to only communicate via email, or having a trusted friend present during interactions.

Whatever it is, make sure it feels right for you.

I remember chatting with a friend recently about her experience with a manipulative coworker. She told me,

“Steven, I felt like I was going crazy every time we talked. Then I started insisting on having all our conversations over email. It was like night and day – suddenly, I had a record of everything, and he couldn’t twist my words anymore.”

Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish – it’s self-care. And in situations where DARVO is at play, it’s absolutely crucial.

2. You Know What DARVO Is

Let’s break down this DARVO business. It stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. Sounds like a mouthful, right? But understanding this tactic is like having a secret decoder ring for manipulative behavior.

Here’s the lowdown:

• Deny: They flat-out refuse to admit they did anything wrong.
• Attack: They go on the offensive, often targeting your character or credibility.
• Reverse Victim and Offender: Here’s where they flip the script, painting themselves as the victim and you as the bad guy.

Knowing this pattern is your superpower. It’s like being able to see the Matrix – once you know what to look for, you can’t unsee it.

I’ve seen this play out countless times in my career of mental health writing. Here’s Sarah’s story.

She came to me completely bewildered by her partner’s behavior. She’d confront him about his hurtful actions, and somehow end up apologizing to him by the end of the conversation—classic DARVO in action.

By understanding DARVO, you’re already one step ahead. It’s like having a map in a maze – you might still hit some dead ends, but at least you know what you’re dealing with.

3. Don’t Think About Winning Too Much

Here’s a truth bomb for you – when you’re dealing with DARVO, winning isn’t the goal.

I know, it goes against every fiber of our being. We want to prove we’re right, to make them see reason. But here’s the kicker – that’s not gonna happen.

Think of it like trying to win an argument with a brick wall. No matter how eloquent or logical you are, that wall ain’t budging. The same goes for someone using DARVO. They’re not interested in facts or reason – they’re interested in maintaining control.

So, what’s the real win here? It’s showing that DARVO doesn’t work on you anymore. It’s about maintaining your sanity and your truth, even when someone’s trying to flip your reality upside down.

There’s another conversation will one of my female friends online. When we discussed this, she said,

“Steven, the day I stopped trying to ‘win’ arguments with my ex was the day I started feeling sane again. I realized I didn’t need him to admit he was wrong – I just needed to know my truth and stick to it.”

Your peace of mind is the real prize here. Don’t sacrifice it on the altar of being ‘right’.

4. Don’t Explain To Them

Alright, here’s where it gets counterintuitive.

When someone’s using DARVO on you, your first instinct is probably to explain yourself. To lay out all the facts, to make your case crystal clear. But here’s the thing – that’s exactly what they want.

The more you explain, the more ammunition you’re giving them. They’ll twist your words, find ‘holes’ in your story, and use it all to further confuse and manipulate you. It’s like trying to put out a fire with gasoline – you’re just making it worse.

Instead, keep it brief. Stick to the facts. Don’t get drawn into long explanations or justifications. Remember, you’re not on trial here – you don’t need to prove anything to them.

Tom had a breakthrough moment when he realized this. He said,

“Steven, I used to write these long, detailed emails explaining myself. And every time, my boss would come back with even more accusations. When I started keeping my responses short and to the point, it was like I’d taken away his power.”

So, next time you feel the urge to explain yourself, take a deep breath and remember – less is more.

5. Stay Focused On The Issue

When you’re in the middle of a DARVO situation, it can feel like you’re in a whirlwind.

The person might bring up past mistakes, attack your character, or try to change the subject entirely. But here’s your lifeline – stay focused on the issue at hand.

It’s like being in a debate where your opponent keeps changing the topic. Don’t let them drag you off course. If they bring up unrelated issues, gently but firmly bring it back to the original point.

Another story of a couple where the husband was a master of deflection.

Whenever his wife brought up his drinking, he’d start talking about her spending habits or her family. We practiced staying on topic, and it was like watching a fog lift. Suddenly, the real issues were clear and couldn’t be avoided.

Think of it like this – you’re holding the steering wheel. No matter how much they try to grab it, keep steering back to the main road. It might feel repetitive, but it’s crucial for making progress.

6. Stick To Your Boundaries As Hard As It Can Be

Now, this is where the rubber meets the road. Setting boundaries is one thing – sticking to them is a whole other ball game.

When you’re dealing with someone who uses DARVO, they’re going to push against your boundaries. Hard.

They might call you unreasonable, selfish, or controlling. They might try to guilt-trip you or make you doubt yourself. But here’s the thing – your boundaries are not up for negotiation.

Here’s Maria’s story. She set a boundary with her manipulative mother that they would only discuss certain topics over the phone. Her mother pushed back, calling her a bad daughter and trying to rope in other family members. Maria stood firm.

You know what? Eventually, after months of sticking to her principles, her mother started respecting that boundary.

This is important: sticking to your boundaries isn’t about being stubborn or mean. It’s about respecting yourself and teaching others to respect you too. It might feel uncomfortable at first, but trust me, it gets easier with practice.

7. Keep Away From Narcissists’ Supporters

Here’s a tricky part that often catches people off guard – the supporters of the person using DARVO. These folks are often referred to as “flying monkeys” (yeah, like in The Wizard of Oz).

These supporters might not even realize they’re being manipulated. They might genuinely believe the DARVO user’s version of events. And dealing with them can be just as exhausting as dealing with the main manipulator.

Jen, a girl in a DARVO online forum, is living in Australia now. She was dealing with a manipulative ex, and suddenly found herself bombarded with messages from his friends and family, all telling her she was being unreasonable.

It was overwhelming and made her doubt herself.

The solution? Distance. It might mean blocking some people on social media or setting clear boundaries about who you discuss the situation with. It’s not about isolating yourself, but about protecting your mental health and maintaining clarity.

You don’t owe anyone an explanation. Your healing and peace of mind come first.

8. Keep A Record About What They Have Done

Last but definitely not least, documentation is your secret weapon.

When you’re dealing with someone who uses DARVO, they’re constantly trying to distort reality. Having a clear record of events can be a lifesaver for your sanity.

This doesn’t mean you need to start a detailed diary of every interaction (unless you want to). However keeping a general record of major events, conversations, or incidents can be incredibly helpful.

It could be as simple as jotting down notes on your phone or saving important emails and messages.

So Alex used to be dealing with a gaslighting boss, and the boss was vindictive and spiteful. He liked to use a lot of bullying tactics. Alex tried to change the situation and started keeping a simple log of their interactions – just dates and brief descriptions.

Three months later, when his boss tried to deny a pattern of behavior, Alex had concrete evidence to back up his experiences. It turns out this wasn’t that difficult, as he said, “easier than I thought”.

And now, I’m not suggesting this is exactly what you should do. Every situation is different. But this story shows how staying calm, documenting everything, and working together can be incredibly powerful against DARVO tactics.

Keep in mind that this record is for you. You don’t have to share it with anyone if you don’t want to. It’s there to help you stay grounded in your reality when someone’s trying to shake your foundations.

Summary

Alright, let’s wrap this up. Dealing with DARVO is tough, no doubt about it. But armed with these strategies, you’re in a much stronger position:

1. Set safe boundaries
2. Understand what DARVO is
3. Don’t focus on winning.
4. Avoid over-explaining
5. Stay focused on the issue
6. Stick to your boundaries
7. Keep distance from supporters
8. Document what’s happening

Remember, the goal here isn’t to change the other person or win some grand victory. It’s about protecting yourself, maintaining your sanity, and not letting their manipulative tactics work on you anymore.

You’re not alone in this. Whether it’s friends, family, a therapist, or support groups, reach out for help when you need it. You’ve got this, and I’m rooting for you all the way.

For Further Reading

1. Top 8 Signs That Define Bare Minimum in a Relationship
2. Leaving A Narcissist: All You Need To Know
3. Was My Ex A Narcissist? 1 Rule For Judge & Cope
4. 23 Reasons & Help For When “My Wife Yells at Me”
5. 11 Reasons & Help for When “My Husband Yells at Me”