Jerks comes in all shapes, sizes, and genders. But in this post, I will tell girls 7 signs showing the guy you are dating is a jerk, and what you can do about it.
So, girls, you can have gone out with this guy, and he suddenly did something really lame and insulting, making you wonder when did this guy become such an asshole?
Chances are he always was one, and being a jerk is his human nature. Most jerks can mask their two selves for months (sometimes years), but girls will eventually figure it out.
Girls are not stupid. We trust, hope, or even rationalize the clues showing he is a jerk. It’s because we want to believe the best in men, and really want him to be a great guy. But he’s not.
If you are sick of investing time and money in your overactive imagination, only to deal with the harsh reality when you discover that your guy is a well-seasoned jerk, then allow me to figure out what kind of guy you are dating.
7 Signs of jerks you need to know
You need to know the difference between someone’s actions, words, and tendencies.
Everyone can lie, so you can’t accurately identify anyone just from his/her words. That’s the reason why I never recommend internet dating.
We’re so easily used to manipulate reality but actions are more insightful. Saying they will do something means nothing if the person doesn’t follow through.
However, tendencies are the best indicators of perspective and predictive behavior.
1. How does your guy view females in general?
Let me ask you, how does he treat the constant women in his life, mainly his mother and sisters? If you are not sure yet, be patient. You may have to wait to meet him so that you can casually ask, how’s your sister or mom feeling?
These questions have huge identifying potential. Be mentally ready to make some mental notes and log him away if he doesn’t talk about them. This is a no-brainer.
If you’re dating a guy that puts you down or makes fun of you, even if it’s funny, he’s still an asshole!
2. Does he have a pornography addiction?
This brings me to a red flag that many girls ignore. Keep your eyes open for any signs of porn. Pornography is not only commonly degrading to women but also addicting.
Let’s quickly address addiction. Any time you are in a relationship with a person who has an addiction, no matter what it is, it can be a top priority in his life. You might luck out and rank number two, but you will never be number one.
Addictions can be addressed and may improve, but most likely it will be a lifetime battle. You have to decide if that’s what you want your life to look like.
Back to pornography. The mind that a woman’s general purpose is for physical and sexual pleasure will manifest in a lot of ways, including but not limited to public display of affection and pushed sexual agenda.
I don’t mind seeing two people so happy to be in each other’s company at that moment. It’s what the world lives for because it’s so real. However, if I have to avert my eyes to give a couple some privacy, then I can be assured that there’s a lack of respect for at least one party involved.
No guy would ever want a girl he thinks is amazing to look like a slut or a whore in public. This leads to the sex indicator.
3. How does he spend his time with you?
3.1 Does he care more about sex than who you are?
If he’s interested in physical pleasure with your body more than what is in your brain, who you are as a person, and your opinions, then he can be interested in any pretty female he meets.
In this case, you may keep your options open rather than hanging on for him to commit. Committing is what he doesn’t want to or need to do if you’ve already slept with him. The only reason jerks stick around is to have the convenience of having free and non-committal sex with you.
It’s difficult to hold back the tide when you’ve already consented. But the first time when you date a guy, you express a desire to hold off on sexual interaction for whatever reason:
If he respects that and doesn’t push your luck, then congratulations you find a nice guy. But if he questions your desires or tries to make you feel selfish or old-fashioned, then just walk away because he’s an asshole.
3.2 How does he view you?
The second perspective to help you identify what kind of guy you’re with is how he views you. This is about logic. If he doesn’t think logically, then you need to give him some time to grow up.
Let’s assume you are dealing with a logical capable man with opinions and ambitions, you need to determine if he considers you an asset, a convenience, an inconvenience, or a liability.
It’s not always about the money because jerks can also be big tippers. Money is a clue. It comes down to who pays always. When you go out, does he spend money on you and still behave himself? If he does, then you are an investment.
If he’s spending money to get sex at the end of the night, then you are the less expensive alternative to a prostitute. You need to decide if you are okay with this: it’s not likely he will wake up one morning to decide you are suddenly his dream girl, valuable as a person and more importantly as a partner.
If you suggest that you pay because you make more money than he does or that you split it because it’s fair, then it’s time to face the reality.
He is not grateful to have a beautiful woman agree to spend time with him. He is not grateful for the effort and expense you have gone through to look good for him.
Quick side note, if you are with a guy who is not well-off but makes a conscious effort to do the best he can to impress you with limited means, he probably is a good guy who likes you.
On the other hand, if you are dating a guy who suggests you pay anything, then you are inconvenient to him financially, and this makes you a liability. Ungrateful men are jerks. Just dump him.
4. Does he keep his word?
[Related post: 9 Signs He’s Lying To You (And What To Do About It)]
This is about integrity. If he doesn’t keep his word on small things, he will break his word on big things. Integrity can be learned, but the question is when he can learn, and do you have time for his eventual learning?
Mistakes can happen, but you have to identify his tendencies of dishonesty. If he excuses or tries to convince you that’s not a big deal, then he’s a jerk and you better dump him fast before he tries more emotional manipulation on you.
5. Does he resist replying to your messages?
Let me tell you an anecdote about my friend. She met with a guy and thought he wanted a serious relationship. He has put her on his hinge profile. They have gone out 8 times, and they are intimate… All these didn’t make her feel better and secure with this guy.
Then Valentine’s Day rolls around, he starts to drift away, and she doesn’t hear from him. In the beginning, she kept talking to me, feeling like he was just busy or he lost a huge project at work, trying to rationalize everything.
I had to tell her that this guy is a jerk and he doesn’t really like you. Whatever the reason is, this man switched up. He liked you for one point, and he doesn’t like you anymore. You never know why.
The important thing is not to take this entirely personally. If someone ghosts you or loses interest in you, you don’t attribute their change to your own value. There are so many reasons.
The one thing I never do is make excuses for a man. I will never be like, he doesn’t reply to me because he’s busy. I know what it’s like to be pursued, and I do exactly the same thing in reverse.
When I’m busy, I’ll let him know that I’m not going to reply to him as much. And I still make efforts to contact him, trying to build a relationship.
If you get signals from someone they don’t like you that much, it would be important to stop being delusional. That’s a waste of time. Would you want someone who’s breadcrumbing you along or somebody who truly wants you?
Choose the man who deserves you and don’t waste your time. If someone wants you, they’re going to make it known. You don’t have to question their intentions or worry about what he is doing.
And one thing I absolutely stand on business with is if I see someone making me feel stressed out, I’ll just go away. Especially when he has not been my boyfriend.
In the courting phase, a guy who truly wants you will be on his best behavior. If a guy has not been my boyfriend and started to show his bad behaviors, that’s already an indicator of how he would be in a relationship.
You have to watch out for the signs. As someone who’s quite busy, I know there are some people when I see their messages, I should reply immediately. There are still other people what I might reply once a week because they are not important to me.
Doesn’t matter how busy someone is, if he cares about you and really likes you, he won’t ruin anything or make you feel bad. He will let you know that he is busy or is going through other things.
6. Does he manipulate charisma?
This point is about one red flag about jerks you don’t want to waste your time with. It’s the manipulation of charisma.
A lot of guys you meet are very charismatic. They have a very easy time talking to people and entertaining the social atmosphere. They look nice, feel confident, joke, and laugh, but they never really give you anything outside of their charisma. Their energy and flow are amazing, but they never share anything about themselves.
A guy might come in, work the room, look like a million dollars, and leave a deep impression on most women in the room. The problem is this:
Too often I meet girls who meet a really cool and charming guy, but this guy never exchanges intellectually or goes deep into any conversion at all. Even though they assume there must be something deeper about this guy.
They exchange numbers, follow him on social media, go on a couple of dates with him, fog up some windows, and might even have sex. But they never really got passed the same energy the first time she met that guy.
They never really overcame that first 5 minutes. They are stuck in their time wrap, because he never really shares anything of value or exchange to any level of intellectual satisfaction.
Too often women spend time investigating the wrong guys, the jerks, who have nothing to offer. Jerks don’t want anything outside of charming women out of their pants.
When you meet that charming guy who has witty clever banter, you can try to see if it could become more. Most probably it can’t because his banter is what he’s leaning on to impress people.
If a guy wants to connect with people, he won’t lean on banter. He will use his intellect and passions. Be aware of any guy who leans on his charisma and banter in the absence of substance.
You can go on as many dates as you want with some of these guys, and you’ll learn that they have nothing in their heads. They don’t want to share them or create expectations of communication.
7. Does he keep everything light?
You all need to unlock all these mysterious men who have nothing else to say a lot of times because their plan is to get in and get out.
If he doesn’t care about what makes you, your past, your current life situation, and the problems you overcome, they won’t share the same about themselves, but they will have a really good time trading jabs and banters. It’s cool and fun, and girls love to have fun, but it’s far from enough.
So again, stop going on three or four dates with these guys, getting pressed into couch cushions and taking to bedrooms. Don’t do this before you have a real conversation.
Way too many women focus so much on the entertainment of the dates. They just don’t get what they really need. You are supposed to do a light interview, gather information, check for compatibility, and try to see what the substance of a man is.
A jerk would just flirt with you like a waitress does for a tip. If you fall for him, then you get butterflies in the crush.
Girls often ask me how to get more from these types of guys, the strong silent types or charismatic guys that they can’t seem to connect with. The answer is, that you need to stop dating them.
When a guy says, “Hey, we should go out again”, you can say, “I’m not sure. It doesn’t seem like we have a lot in common. You don’t share anything about yourself with me”.
When a guy calls and tries to have a second date, you can say, “Listen, I didn’t get any information on that date. I’m not sure who you are. Can we have some conversations on the phone right now?” I’d rather do that first.
If he’s serious about getting to know you, he will self-correct and tell you about himself. If he wasn’t serious or just tried to get some ass to begin with, he will be like “All right. That’s cool. Whatever”. Then you better leave this jerk.
Don’t waste your time, showing up on these dates over and over again. That can be a great time, but piss-poor relationship prospects. He can be dating you only for sex, and there’s nothing mysterious about him.
If you want real love in a relationship, you have to be more efficient. If you keep entangled with this jerk, you will get tired soon before you reach where you want to go.
Why do girls fall for jerks more likely?
The classical asshole guys, the jerks who’s being loud and obnoxious to people, a lot of people don’t like them.
1. Counter-signaling
Why do some women still sleep with them? It’s because women don’t necessarily pay too much attention to how guys behave.
What they’ll pay attention to a lot of times is how people react to how guys behave. If people react positively to them, that would be a really powerful and attractive signal. It’s called counter-signaling.
Counter-signaling meaning:You’re doing something that would normally prevent you from hooking up with somebody. In biology, we call it mating.
So if you do something that’s inherently disadvantaged towards your fitness, then it means that you must have other traits or you must be so fit that you are still able to survive despite those traits.
The perfect example of this is the peacock. Peacock is an animal where the males have larger feathers than females, it’s a frill that’s extravagant, and it’s impractical for survival. Predators can see their feathers, and it’s not a good thing for survival.
But anyway, female peacocks would think it so attractive when a male has a bigger plumage than a small plumage. Because the big plumage suggests that he’s so fit, and he can still survive with such a large frill.
It’s the same with men. A jerk can be loud, rude, and behaving badly, and people will still like him. The only reason for this is he has other traits that are so good.
2. For young girls, jerks probably make their lives more fun
For a lot of young girls, they can fall in love with jerks easily. They would love the guys who break the rules, don’t follow trends, or do whatever they want to do.
Why do young girls tend to like jerks? Because he’s exciting and adventurous. A lot of young girls are living a boring life, they need a guy to take them on adventures to have fun and take them to a new world.
Generally, jerks can be more confident than others. Girls can be looking for a confident person. An unconfident person only tries to fit in, follow all the rules, and instinctively object to being noticed.
Strategies to deal with a jerk
If you are still not sure whether the guy you are dating is an asshole or not, it’s because he’s a well-disguised jerk. If he truly loves you, you will feel his love instead of trying to figure it out. So let’s be wise, and I have some strategies for you.
1. Write things down and think clearly
Writing things down helps you see things clearly, and I have a notion page for every guy that makes me think. Let me tell you the structure of what I do.
I would write the stories down, mainly about how we met, the law behind it, and how they make me feel. Then things start to break down. I start to break down red flags that maybe I’ve missed, then I do arrows about how it makes me feel, why I react this way, and why his behavior is like this.
I can literally link it all together, and then if I’m really on business I have to cut that person off. I can also do things like future predicting, what would it look like in the future if we were together.
2. Be honest with yourself: Do you really want him?
Going back to the example of my friend, she wanted to go on a Valentine’s Day with this guy. She has been seeing him for months. He let her on by saying things like I really want to be serious, but he refused to have a Valentine’s Day date, and he started to reply sporadically compared to what he used to do.
2.1 If you still want him
I told her you need to figure out if you really want this guy. If your answer is yes, then you need to be more strategic. This guy already doesn’t want you that much and he doesn’t respect you.
If he knows you now accepted this last-minute Valentine’s Day date, he will perceive that you are available. Nobody will value things that are way too available. Guys are hunters and competitors. You need to make more people hunt for you to build your scarcity.
You should be aware of this:
If he really wants to have the dinner with you, he should have planned it at least a week ago because restaurants can be booked out on Valentine’s Day. If a guy did nothing for you at the right time, then he was definitely a jerk for you, and you know what to do next.
2.2 If you want to dump him
If you don’t like him, just stop thinking and dump this jerk. You know, do the script thing I mentioned above, and cut the jerk off. The only way he may come back is by begging you on the ground.
I learned this from a dating coach on YouTube:
You can’t let someone back into your life easily. If he wants to be back, he deserves punishment so he won’t do it again.
This is so true. In my first ever relationship when I was young at 19, I would forgive my ex for every single thing he did. I thought by forgiving him and being nice, I can set a good example for him. This is dumb. I didn’t know how men or humans worked at that time.
When we broke up he said to me:
The reason why I felt like I couldn’t change, is because you would forgive me for everything. I knew subconsciously that even if I made a mistake, you were going to forgive me.
I didn’t understand that until I got older and learned about human psychology, how men (especially jerks) work as well as people work in general. And everything just makes sense. You can’t just easily forgive.
So, girl, you can’t go on this Valentine’s Day date. If he comes back to you, then you should be like, I’m busy, or I already have a Valentine’s Day date.
2.3 We only accept the love that we think we deserve
If someone is breadcrumbing you and you are okay with it, then you subconsciously think that’s what you deserve. And personally, I would never accept a guy who only breadcrumbs me or does not show he truly wants me.
Do never trust words only, you need to trust actions. Girls, don’t believe in anything until happens.
Other than actions, I believe in patterns, too. If someone has a pattern of doing something, they’re not going to change.
Men know what they want from day one, but I think women don’t know sometimes. We can be convinced. I think we almost want someone to convince us that we want them because we like to be led as well.
3. Don’t rush love and get married when you are too young
You know, this desire for human connection is normal. And I understand there’s also a huge pressure for people in their 20s to get married, settle down, and have a family.
I want to put something in perspective for you. The divorce rate is more than 50% (maybe 60%) right now. It’s very high.
Now of the remaining couples is only 40%. It is something like 5% of couples are in love and the remainder 35% are together only for their children. Is that terrifying to you?
People who get married over 30 are more likely to have a lasting relationship. These people have life experience, they are emotionally developed, and they know what they’re looking for. They are both established set-up people.
So don’t rush love.
Here’s another thing I always say, I turned 24 this year, and I’ve only been in the real world for 6 years (I don’t think I started my life before I was 18). I’ve been an adult only for 6 years. I’m literally a fetus in the world.
I have not even been on this planet long enough to know how to navigate it properly. Again, this is why so many marriages built before the age of 30 end up in divorce.
Conclusion
No matter what, please find someone who’s going to love you as who you are. I just feel so sick of seeing good people get put down by jerks.
If you find yourself in a situation you want to get out of, follow your mind. Please remember that you are not alone, and you can turn your life in the direction you like.
Hope this post will help you. Peace.
