Was My Ex A Narcissist? 1 Rule For Judge & Cope

I’m going to answer the question in this post: how to judge if your ex is a narcissist?

I see a lot of people prefer referring to their ex as a narcissist. The reason being well, because they broke up with me. And I certainly understand that it seems that way, it feels that way. But I will say, that just because your ex broke up with you does not make them a narcissist. That’s not the truth.

Good, mentally healthy people who care and love others can break up with someone, just like a narcissist would do. It does happen.

Principle of Attraction and Breakups

As I talk about in other posts, it happens because attraction falls, it’s down for a while usually before they finally do that, before they finally break up with someone.

Though I am seen as not having any sympathy for the dumper always, I have to admit sympathy with someone will help you understand. It can help you get what you want, and it is not a bad thing.

When someone breaks up with another person because attraction has fallen, you can’t blame them. Stand in others’ shoes and you will understand, that we all want to be with someone we’re attracted to.

If we’re talking about committed relationships, obviously that person should communicate that attraction has fallen. They wanted to come back up and do things to help facilitate that.

We don’t live in a perfect world. People don’t necessarily think that way. Some breakups happen because we’re talking about an immature person, a selfish person, or a self-centered person. It’s not always because the other person is a narcissist though sometimes it is.

Was My Ex A Narcissist? Ask Yourself About These

So I have a very important question for you, that is: Have you noticed any of these traits in this person who broke up with you, do they appear to only care about themselves?

• Is it as though, they worship themselves and you should, too, and everyone else should, too?
• Do things that you want to do, not seem to matter as much as what they want to do?
• Are they comfortable receiving a flood of compliments from you, but seem to be very stingy in terms of giving compliments to you?
• Have you ever wondered if you are only with them because you made them feel attractive, wanted, desired, and made them look good to other people?
• Have you ever wondered how they could say certain things to you if they really loved you?

Narcissists’ Manipulation Tactics

It seems really obvious to you but hearing something like that would hurt. And yet this person does not seem to get that.

Does it ever seem like that when you do seem to have reached your final straw, the other person suddenly becomes very loving, and affectionate?

You get from them in that time when you are actually backing away just seems to make your heart soar, and you feel like you’ve just been given the keys to the universe.

Did you ever look back on that and wonder, if you are really being manipulated? Because you see, one of the traits of a narcissist is that they’re very good giving you crumbs and making you appreciate them.

Did you ever feel like this person expected you to appreciate any time you got with them? As though they were the prize, you were just a lucky winner?

Get Your Ex Back, or Not?

If you’re wondering if your ex is a narcissist, and they had any of those traits or especially a lot of those traits together, my question to you is: does it matter? Even if this person is not a clinical narcissist, do you want to be with them, do you really want to get them back?

People who write to me will suggest posts I should do, and one of them is how to get your ex back when your ex is a narcissist.

Why would I want to write a post like that? Why would I want to help anyone get back together with a self-worshipper? That’s what a narcissist is. Why would I want to make a post about how to get back together when your ex is a narcissist?

If your ex is a narcissist, I would want to make a post on how to talk yourself out of a huge mistake and a life of punishment. I would describe to you how you can make yourself stronger and leave this person.

Dangers of Narcissistic Relationships

You can experience narcissistic abuse from someone who’s not clinically a narcissus because less than five percent of the population could clinically be called a narcissist. These are people who has narcissistic disorder. But it doesn’t matter if someone has some of those traits.

That’s not an attractive thing to have. That’s not someone who I would say, yeah, work at this, get back in this relationship with this person. In fact, that would be one of the times I would say, maybe you should break up with this person if you were still together with them.

Now you’ve been clear on whether your ex is a narcissist. If the answer is “yes”, in which case, just don’t contact them again.

Give yourself some time to heal, and find someone who doesn’t worship themselves, sees you as an equal in the relationship, feels just as proud to be with you, and feels like you’re a prize (they were prized). You two are just lucky to have found each other, that’s who you really should be with.

If your ex has the traits of a narcissist, don’t go back to them. But just because they broke up with you does not mean they are narcissists.

If you don’t think your ex is a narcissist because they broke up with you, does not make them a narcissist. If they don’t show those other traits that I mentioned, then there are things you can do to get back together with them.

1 Rule For This: The No-Contact Rule

A lot of my other posts will talk about, that’s using the no-contact rule, giving them the breakup, letting them miss you, and seeing if they really want to live without you.

Now what’s interesting is that, when you do this, a true narcissist will want to get back together with you in a lot of situations, because it will seem like blasphemy if you aren’t chasing them, and you aren’t letting them know they could have you back anytime they wanted you back.

So a narcissist will do that little game that I mentioned earlier, where when it seems like you’re backing away, maybe they aren’t getting all that validation from you that says, they are so attractive and so desirable, and you serve as the fuel for that feeling within them.

When you back away, just don’t give them that. What they will do is they will offer you those crumbs telling you nice things about your appearance maybe. It can be about how they think about you, how they love you.

A narcissist knows where your limit is. They know how to keep you desperate for the crumbs, and they know how to keep you chasing. It’s instinctive and even if they just have some traits where they act like a narcissist, they learn these things possibly from other narcissists.

Whether or not they are a narcissist, if they’re doing this to you, if they act this way, you don’t want to be with them.

But if they’re not and you give them the breakup, they will genuinely miss you, and they will come back with humility, and that’s when you have to make a decision, do you want to be with this person?

You should look back on how they treated you. Did they treat you as though they were a narcissist? If they did, you have a tough decision to make, because you are actually feeling loss, and this person set you aside.

It makes you feel less attractive. You want to feel that attraction again that you are an attractive person. So in some ways, you’re seeking that, sometimes you want to feel that you’re lovable, you want to feel that someone could not just toss you aside, and you want to feel control again in your life. You will often be chasing that.

Be Responsible For Your Future

Look back on the relationship if this person treated you in the way that I described. Find it within yourself to stay away, if they didn’t, and you love them and you feel they love you and they’ve learned a valuable lesson, because sometimes people do when attraction falls.

Sometimes they have to learn that attraction is not all fireworks and passion. There are other things like commitment, companionship, and a feeling of family, and that will often trigger some of those fireworks.

I’m not telling you to only date or be in a relationship with perfect people who always put your relationship in the proper perspective, because you will not find that perfect person. But I’m also telling you, if you think you’re dating a narcissist, if you really suspect it, you don’t want them back.

Conclusion

Related post: Leaving A Narcissist: All You Need To Know

So, “was my ex a narcissist?”, this question is indeed important for your mental health and future relationships.

As easy as it may seem to call an ex a narcissist after a breakup, try not to — instead go through their behavior and feel free to evaluate them based on the characteristics mentioned above.

One of these things is a breakup — but just because a person breaks up with you doesn’t necessarily mean they’re full-on narcissists.

Once notice there are many narcissistic traits in the ex, you should simply keep a very long distance to take care of yourself. But, if your ex is not acting like that and you have no idea if there’s a chance at having a good relationship together again, here are the steps.

At the end of the day, think about your mental health and do not waste time maintaining pointless relationships that are sour. Whether your ex is a narcissist or not, let your experiences with a toxic ex help you to grow. It will help establish healthier boundaries for you in future relationships.

Further reading:

1. Why is Everyone so Mean to Me? 25 Reasons & Help
2. 23 Reasons & Help For When “My Wife Yells at Me”
3. 11 Reasons & Help for When “My Husband Yells at Me”