Top 9 Reasons Why People Hate You (The Haters’ Fault)

“X number of reasons why people dislike you.” There are so many listicles covering this topic. What I’ve noticed, though, is that most of them put all of the focus on the ones being disliked… like what they’re doing wrong. I won’t be doing the same thing here. In this post, I’ll be going the other way and shifting the focus more on the haters.

How’s it even an important life lesson to understand why people dislike you? Well, if you’re on the receiving end of a lot of disapproval from everyone around you, that can mess with the way you view yourself. You might even feel pressured to change yourself. But who’s to say you’re even the real problem?

That’s why it’s important to develop a solid identity for yourself and understand where others are coming from. And so with that, let’s jump right into the top nine reasons.

1. Messing Up on Your Performance

That’s right… most of the world expects you, me, all of us to perform as a human should perform. The thing is… we’re all quite divided on what that’s supposed to look like. And that’s because the world is made up of different individuals all with their own unique set of values.

But even with all of these differences, most people do agree on some of the major stuff… like “do work hard” and “don’t kill.” If you mess up in these major areas, you’re more likely to be disliked by a greater number of people.

And, unfortunately, it doesn’t matter if it’s from your distant past and no longer part of your present, it doesn’t matter if you were going through a tough time in your life, and it doesn’t matter that there’s so much more to you beyond how you’ve messed up.

The world will still dislike, reject, and hate you for it. It does this because of three reasons.

1.1 They Like To Conclude You with Details

The first reason, most of the world can’t help but jump to conclusions.

We’re not omniscient beings. And so we don’t see the whole picture. We only see a tiny glimpse into someone else’s life. And with that snapshot, many people just run with it and fill in the rest of the gaps.

1.2 They Denying Your Value as A Human Being

The second reason, most don’t believe that we, as humans, possess intrinsic value… that we have value just the way we are, regardless of our performance. So when you mess up, they will just label you useless.

1.3 Performance Is The Only Measuring Stick They Have

And the third reason is that most don’t believe in the existence of an astronomically greater being. Consequently, most of the world can’t help but make such a big deal out of performance.

It’s pretty much the only measuring stick they have. After sizing you up with this measuring stick, or more like reducing you, many people feel justified to dislike, reject, and hate you.

2. Being Different

And that thing that makes you different might be something you have no control over… like… the color of your skin. But, it could also be how differently you choose to live your life and how differently you think.

And there really might not be anything wrong with the way that you’re different.

But you know who’s not going to see it that way? Those whose experience is limited to the familiar, those who fear the unknown, and those who have little tolerance for changes in the environment that they’ve already grown accustomed to. These guys make up a huge part of the world.

But, you know what? If we’re truly being honest with ourselves, we’re all a little bit like this because of our human nature.

By nature, we’re an anxious and fearful bunch. It’s just that some, more than others, have nurtured a more avoidant and antagonistic approach to the unfamiliar and different. And the problem that they see is no different from the problem perceived in number one. To them, it looks like a deviation from how things should be.

After using the same old measuring stick to determine how far off you are, many people feel justified to dislike, reject, and hate you… which is the treatment I’ve gotten all throughout my life for being the very different person that I am.

3. Looking Like You’re Part of a Disliked Group

Moving onto number three, people will dislike you if you look like you’re part of a group they don’t like. How does an entire group even get disliked in the first place?

It’s usually through numbers one and two, even if those were committed by individuals. You see, instead of looking at you as a unique individual, it’s mentally easier for people to assume you’re just like the rest of the group. And so a lot of people will judge you by the same negative beliefs that they already have about that group.

One of my friends openly talks about his Christian faith always. When we talk about this topic, he says his family gets a fair share of hostility from people who dislike Christians.

4. Appearing to be Winning

Now, the rest of this list and everything else could technically fit under numbers one, two, and three, but I thought it might be helpful to discuss some on their own.

Ok, so one of the most common worldviews that people have is that life is a race. Relating this to number one, the performance that people expect under this worldview is getting ahead in this race.

And so number four, people will dislike you if you appear to be winning in this race. Maybe you’re making a lot of money, maybe you’re a person of virtue who appears to be quite morally ahead.

Whatever it is that you’re doing well, even if you’re not doing it to “win,” you’re going to look like you’re winning in someone’s race. That can make a lot of other racers feel like they’re behind.

A lot of these racers also look at the world through the lens of scarcity. So your position in the race creates one less favorable position for them. All of this doesn’t make them feel good.

So, many people will dislike you for it. On the opposite end, there’s number five, people will dislike you if you appear to be losing in this race.

5. Appearing to be Losing

It doesn’t matter if you’re temporarily in a challenging season in your life, it doesn’t matter if you’re much farther ahead compared to where you once used to be. Whatever the situation is, you’re a loser in someone’s race.

You’ll just have a greater number of people thinking you’re a loser the more areas in life you appear to be behind in. After reducing your value as a person based on your unfavorable position in the race, many people feel justified to dislike, reject, and hate you.

Another thing that can create even more dislike against you is if there are systems out there to help you out… systems that are publicly funded, whether people like it or not.

Now, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have these. I’m just saying that there are a bunch of people who are unhappy about having to support what they don’t want to support.

Yeah, a lot of these guys just look at it as pulling the weight of all the slackers. And you might not even take advantage of these systems. But by simply resembling the losing population, you become the face of these systems that people do not like.

6. Appearing to be in the Way

Number six, people will dislike you if you appear to be in the way of this race. Again, you might be minding your own business.

Doing your own thing… But to someone somewhere, you’re in the way. And you’ll appear to be in the way to more people, the more competitive it is where you are.

So racers just want you to shut up and stay in your lane. This brings me to the next few that all have to do with not shutting up and not staying in your lane.

So the first one of these I want to talk about is number seven, people will dislike you if you put yourself out there.

7. Putting Yourself Out There

Whether you hang up a little painting you’ve done for the occasional visitor to see or you’re a vlogger sharing a whole lot of intimate details about your life on a very public platform, you’re sharing a part of yourself with the world.

When you do that, you make it possible for others to take these parts of you, interpret them in their own way, and size you up as a whole person. As a very transparent extrovert and creator, this happens to me all the time.

Putting yourself out there will annoy several groups of people. One group includes those who prefer to live more inwardly, those who believe that people should generally keep things to themselves.

To these guys, it doesn’t make sense why anyone should share parts of themselves with the rest of the world. So, when they do see this happen, they figure it’s just got to do with narcissism or a selfish need to express oneself.

Another group you’ll annoy are those who believe that people have no business in putting themselves out there unless they’re “good enough,” unless they’ve taken the traditional path to become licensed or accredited.

Yeah, no matter how much good can come out of it, a lot of people disapprove of people putting themselves out there.

8. Openly Talking About Having a Hard Time

Next, number eight, people will dislike you if you openly talk about having a hard time.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a healthy way to feel and process your emotions, it doesn’t matter if it’s an essential part of being known and understood, it doesn’t matter if it brings people closer together through mutual care and empathy, and it doesn’t matter if it removes the shame and stigma around having challenges in life.

No matter how much good can come out of it, there are a bunch of people who are against that kind of talk.

One group that gets triggered by this is those who’ve felt invalidated in their past. Many of these guys have fully subscribed to the idea that your pains don’t matter as theirs didn’t in the past.

Another group that gets triggered by this is those with very little tolerance for what they broadly refer to as “negativity.” Their measure of positivity and negativity is simply based on whether something makes them feel good or bad.

If you fail to make it all about them and make them feel good, and sorry, for them, you’re just adding more negativity into this world. So, yeah, if you openly talk about having a hard time, many people will reduce you to a weak and spoiled, entitled complainer who’s just full of negativity. Moving on to the subject of fairness.

9. Appearing to Have an Unfair Advantage

In my last post, I mentioned that a lot of people believe in a kind of fairness that you’d see in a fairy tale.

A big part of the Cinderella story is built on the commonly held belief that life is fair… that generally, bad things happen to bad people and good things happen to good people. It’s a worldview that’s first introduced to many of us as children.

Growing up, many of us got disciplined for bad behavior and rewarded for good behavior, right? Well, this way of looking at how the world works still remains popular among adults long after they’ve grown out of fairy tales.

Why? Because it gives people a sense of control over the world and the good and bad things that happen to them.

Now, if you take this fairness doctrine and this whole “life as a race” worldview, and combine the two, what do you get? You get this idea that racers who do all the wrong things should fall behind and racers who do all the right things should get ahead.

But things don’t always work out that way, do they? Some racers appear to be getting ahead even without doing all the right things.

This brings me to number nine, people will dislike you if you appear to have an unfair advantage in the race… if it appears like you just get the world handed over to you on a silver platter. No matter all the right things you do, there will always be people who believe they’re above you in doing all the right things.

These guys like to believe that their lives have been so much tougher than yours… that, despite how tough their lives were, they worked so much harder than you to do all the right things…

And then in doing all the right things, they’ve earned every little thing that they have… to become 100% self-made champions! And because of all of that, a lot of these guys believe that they’re more deserving of life’s rewards.

That’s why it angers them to see you get what they feel entitled to. And the more that life unfairly rewards someone as “undeserving” as you, the more these guys will dislike you for it…

I still recall the time when we openly shared about my parents gifting us a home, people threw shade at us for that. Now, you’d think that, after countless times of things not going according to their ideals, these guys might re-evaluate their fairness doctrine, right?

But this is where another interesting thing can happen. Some of these guys, not all, start to blame everything on the existence of systems that are designed to benefit just a select group of people… a more “privileged” class of people.

And then, just like in number five, you can end up becoming the face of these systems that many of these guys are against.

Conclusion

So that’s my list of nine reasons why people dislike you.

It’s because you messed up. It’s because you’re different. It’s because you look like you’re part of a group they don’t like. It’s because you look like you’re winning or losing… or that you’re in the way. It’s because you put yourself out there or openly talk about having a hard time. And lastly, it’s because it looks like you’ve got an unfair advantage.

Now, I understand that it doesn’t feel good to be disliked, rejected, or hated.

You might be tempted to try to control it all, by blending in and not standing out, by hiding all the parts of yourself that might rub others the wrong way, by doing everything that others want, by endlessly apologizing and defending yourself.

And, as you might have noticed happening a lot more these days because of cancel culture, by canceling yourself.

But there’s so much in life all of us will miss out on if we choose to be this kind of people pleaser. All for what? This illusion that you can control these things that just happen to be a part of life and the imperfect nature of our human race.

So I don’t think it’s worth stressing over trying to control it all.

Instead, we should focus on being our authentic selves and not caring about what others think about us. If you know anyone who could benefit from this post, make sure to share it. Thanks for reading.

Further reading:

1. Why is Everyone so Mean to Me? 25 Reasons & Help
2. 23 Reasons & Help For When “My Wife Yells at Me”
3. 11 Reasons & Help for When “My Husband Yells at Me”
4. Flirting vs. Harassment: What’s the Difference? 23 Signs & Help